Rating the birds in my backyard by tendency toward violence
Northern Cardinal, 4/10
I’m sometimes worried the male is sexually harassing the female but I’m pretty sure they’re just doing some elaborate public pickup roleplay. The rest of us didn’t agree to participate in your kink, guys.
American Robin, 1/10
Literally just some dude hanging out. Never bothered anyone but worms. Big fan of the way you just stand there in the middle of the grass like you forgot what you were supposed to be doing.
House Sparrow, 10/10
You’re a gang. You’re participating in gang violence. There’s ten billion of you living in a single wood pile and it’s been civil war for three years now. When will the bloodshed end?
Tufted Titmouse, 1/10
A shy baby. A pretty little guy. I saw you on the neighbor’s garage roof and time stopped. There were anime sparkles around you. Come back.
European Starling, 9/10
Why is it always you? Listen, I know, I KNOW the sparrows are the problem, and YET. When the fighting starts, it’s always you in the middle of it, provoking them and then screaming like you’re an innocent bystander defending yourself. I’m onto you.
Carolina Wren, 3/10
This rating is not for physical violence, which you don’t engage in, but for your role as an incurable narc. A tattle tale. I know they’re fighting again, okay? I see it. Our yard has been a warzone for years, you don’t have to make a big announcement every time someone misbehaves.
Eastern Wood-Peewee, 0/10
If this were “birds who think they’re better than everyone else,” you’d get 10/10.
Red-bellied Woodpecker, 6/10
It’s a utility pole. It’s not a tree. You’re surrounded by trees that are full of bugs. But there you are, on the utility pole. Committing vandalism.
American Crow, unrated
For who am I to cast judgment on the actions of La Famiglia? I assume you are doing what is best for the neighborhood. If I could, though, without criticism, make a single observation. That when large numbers of you gather in the ominous dead cottonwood - no? No, you’re right. None of my business.
Great Crested Flycatcher, 5/10
Frankly, I think you could be doing more. I think your name implies a great potential. I think you should massacre the insects. I think your beak should drip with viscera.
Stay tuned for more criminal activity!
(continued)
Common Grackle, 7/10
La Famiglia does not suffer you to stop in our neighborhood long, and I trust their judgement in this manner. You have the look of a guilty bird.
Tennessee Warbler, 2/10
You keep to yourselves, and I respect that. I get the sense that you could defend yourselves if it came to it, though.
Brown-Headed Cowbird, 3/10
You’re not a crow, and eventually they ARE going to figure it out, kiddo.
Gray Catbird, 5/10
Would you. Respectfully. Would you shut the FUCK UP.
Eurasian Collared-Dove, 0/10
You’re doing great, sweetie, everyone loves you.
Red-Breasted Nuthatch, 4/10
A comedian. A little jester of a bird. You’re so silly. Sure sometimes you incite violence in others but, really, is that your fault? If it is, we forgive you.
Blue Jay, 12/10
If you could learn any human behavior you wanted, it would be how to build a bomb.
Honorable mention:
Turkey Vulture, 5/10
You weren’t in my backyard, but you WERE eating roadkill in the street in my neighborhood. I know the animal was already dead when you got there, but you get violence points for frightening the small children that walked past you. Incredible work.
Hey, hope you're doing okay. I was just wondering if you still have copies of the easy academy PDFs. I'd downloaded them when you first posted them, but the Kindle I had them on finally died and I can't find copies on my old hard drive either.
Oh man, it’s so nice of you to be wanting to read them after all this time! These links should work to download the PDFs:
Lea. Hi and hello. I just re-read Auld Lang Syne because I am sad but also LOVE to be sadder. And I have a question for you and AnnaKovsky if you ever discussed it-or just if you think it would ever happen. Do you think that one day (even 10 years in the future) realworld!Dustin gets so happy and comfortable with realworld!Jim that he tells him about the glimpse? Even if he thinks that he wouldn't believe him? Or does he never tell him ever?
Kenny looks between Matt and Nick helplessly, like he’s hoping someone else will say this for him, though Matt and Nick look as confused as Hangman is. When no one says anything, Kenny sighs. “They said that’s not enough,” he says, and clears his throat. “You have to, uh… with a partner. And if you don’t, it can have, uh, negative physical consequences.”
“What, like, my dick’s going to explode?” Hangman says. It already feels on the verge of it, to be honest.
“Not exactly,” Kenny says.
“Oh my God, Kenny, spit it out,” Nick says.
Kenny gives an agonized look to the room as a whole and then says to the back wall, “They said you could die.”
“If he doesn’t have sex with someone, he’s going to die,” Matt says, disbelieving.
Kenny looks between Matt and Nick helplessly, like he’s hoping someone else will say this for him, though Matt and Nick look as confused as Hangman is. When no one says anything, Kenny sighs. “They said that’s not enough,” he says, and clears his throat. “You have to, uh… with a partner. And if you don’t, it can have, uh, negative physical consequences.”
“What, like, my dick’s going to explode?” Hangman says. It already feels on the verge of it, to be honest.
“Not exactly,” Kenny says.
“Oh my God, Kenny, spit it out,” Nick says.
Kenny gives an agonized look to the room as a whole and then says to the back wall, “They said you could die.”
“If he doesn’t have sex with someone, he’s going to die,” Matt says, disbelieving.
